YES, I AM STILL HERE peeking out my window on Main Street, and I am almost sorry that I’ve made a career out of suggesting weird solutions to faux-vexing problems such as the Downtown J-Turn Enforcement Officer and the Senior Citizens Ear and Nose Hair Clinic.
I’m almost sorry because today I’d like to suggest something in all seriousness, and you might think I’m still joking.
I’m not.
It has come to my attention that handicapped persons dread trips to the post office.
The reserved handicapped parking space is almost under the stoplight at the intersection of Main and Shepherd Streets. They should call this Suicide Corner because you risk life and buggy when you try to return to Main.
The parking space is nearly a football field’s length from the handicapped ramp entry to the post office.
And it is a real mistake to park in the space because once you get there you’ll never get out. Almost seriously, if you parked in the handicapped space (or just about ANY space at the Post Office corner) at midnight you’d still have to wait a half-hour for a break in the traffic so you could back out safely.
Here’s my idea.
Since Regions Bank is cowardly leaving our town (“You’ve Picked a Fine Time to Leave Me, Lucille” — the late Kenny Rogers) what is going to happen to that iconic building at the Main Street corner?
And what is going to happen to the bank’s ATM on Second Street between Howard and Clark Streets?
My great idea concerns the future of the ATM site.
Why can’t the Post Office buy this site from Regions and turn it into a drive-thru mail box?
Or, why couldn’t Regions donate the site to the Post Office as an apology for leaving our town in its dark hour?
The ATM area is well-lighted and offers easy entrance and exit for vehicles. It is even covered. All postal patrons — handicapped or not — would be protected from rain.
Maybe this makes too much sense.
Once before there was an effort to get a new post office for Nashville. But the site, a half-block off Main on West Hale Street, was horrible. There was so much public opposition that the idea was dropped.
Well, once there were a number of blue mailboxes around town where citizens could safely and conveniently leave small mail.
The Post Office took most of them up in an effort to cut back on customer service.
=—-= — =
I KID YOU NOT. Last week some neo-billionaire paid $6.2 million (in bitcoin, whatever that is) for a piece of ‘art’ entitled “Comedian.” This magnificient piece was simple: It was a real banana duct-taped to a white background.
The buyer said he would eat the art.
I presume he meant he would eat the banana, not the duct tape.
Some people have too much money and too little common sense.
How far has our culture slid?
Don’t mind me. I am a neanderthal throwback, and I am really really really out of step with the rest of America.
I refuse to call rap “music.” I don’t like tv commercials that have men kissing men. I don’t like British crime shows because I can’t understand the dialog. I wish they’d speak English more slowly and with greater diction. And a Southern accent.
Give me some Trumpian power and I’ll straighten everything out.
=—-= — =
HAVE A wonderful Thanksgiving! Our brothers and sisters at Ridgeway Baptist Church give extra meaning to the holiday with their annual free Thanksgiving meal.
=—-= — =
I LOVE COLLEGE FOOTBALL. And that is one reason for the emergence of the #1 Fair Weather Arkansas Razorback Football Fan.
So, I’ve had to learn to root for other teams. I’ve watched things swirl as we approach the announcement of who is playing whom in the 12-team championship playoffs.
One interesting possible matchup is SMU (Southern Methodist University) playing Notre Dame (a Catholic school).
If Texas A&M happened to upset Texas this weekend — that would really roil the waters. I’ll be rooting for the Aggies, and how in the heck were they upset last week at Auburn? While I’m tossing around the word “heck” how in the heck did Alabamamama lose to Oklahomamama last Saturday?
Just in case you’re interested, here are the teams I will be rooting against in the playoffs: Texas, Ohio State, Penn State, Colorado, Georgia and Miami.
=—-= — =
THINGS I LEARNED from opening email: I have many hidden talents. I just wish I could remember where I hid them.
=—-= — =
HE SAID: “Agriculture is a business that has been up to its bib overalls in politics since the first Thanksgiving dinner kickback to the Indians for subsidizing Pilgrim maize production with fish head fertilizer grants.” P.J. O’Rourke, humor writer
=—-= — =
SHE SAID: “Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.” Oprah Winfrey, entertainer
=—-= — =
SWEET DREAMS, Baby
