YES, I AM STILL HERE peeking out my window on Main Street and I reluctantly admit that I don’t see as good as when I was 25. Or 45, 55, etc. Age has brung me enough trouble.
I’ve gone ‘up’ the magnification scale many times on the 2-for-$5 reading glasses I buy at the Dime Store.
In fact, last week I told myself that my next batch of Dime Store reading glasses would have to be 3.5 magnification.
My most recent pair of specs – res. 3.00 — just wasn’t any good. At first I thought my eyes were getting even blurrier. Then I decided that it was the Dime Store glasses that were at fault. Everything was blurred. Impossible to read.
I cleaned the glasses with alcohol, bleach and epsom salt but nothing helped.
Finally I noticed a dark line low on the front of each lens. I reached for another pair of glasses and looked closely.
There! There was some writing. I thought it was in Chinese or something because I didn’t see so good.
Then I put another pair of Dime Store glasses OVER the first pair and my goodness there was some writing in genuine English.
The writing on the left lens said: Ha Ha You Blind Old Coot
The writing on the right lens said: You Need Stronger Glasses
I scrubbed each lens again with alcohol, then bleach, then vinegar, a quart of hot soapy water, then epsom salt.
Then, inspired, I used my well-trimmed fingernails to scratch at the writing.
I actually moaned in despair when I realized that there was a clear — let me repeat, CLEAR — piece of plastic covering the entire lens.
I removed the plastic but I STILL had trouble reading. That was because I no longer needed magnification that high.
Too bad I had thrown away all of those weaker Dime Store glasses.
Well, my newest pairs may be too strong, but at least they’re sanitized.
It probably won’t take long for my eyes to catch up.
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I HAVE NEVER kept a New Year’s resolution, and, quite frankly, I haven’t bothered to make one since 1992.
That doesn’t keep me from knowing that I SHOULD make New Years resolutions.
We all need something to strive for. A carrot dangled on a string.
I had a brilliant idea, and it is the next best thing to actually making — and sincerely intending to keep — New Years resolutions.
Here’s the plan: I will make the New Years resolutions for YOU to keep, thereby placing no responsibility on myself.
These sensible resolutions are offered to you at no charge by the sensible management of this newspaper.
Please make every effort to keep these resolutions for your benefit and mine.
1. YOU RESOLVE to read instructions on all new mechanical or electrical devices which come into your possession.
2. YOU RESOLVE to keep the instructions in case you need to read them a second time.
3. YOU RESOLVE to limit your venting about the Arkansas Razorbacks.
4. YOU RESOLVE to change our ‘lucky’ lottery numbers.
5. YOU RESOLVE to gain as little weight as possible.
6. YOU RESOLVE to limit your venting about the Arkansas Razorbacks.
7. YOU RESOLVE to increase pressure on the mayor to properly install some worthy senior citizen as Official Downtown J-Turn Law Enforcement Officer.
8. YOU RESOLVE to write down all passwords and to remember where you hid the list.
9. YOU RESOLVE to limit your venting about the Arkansas Razorbacks.
10. YOU RESOLVE to give a birthday gift other than a Hooter’s Gift Certificate to our town’s hopeful Downtown J-Turn Enforcement Officer.
11. YOU RESOLVE to limit your venting about the Arkansas Razorbacks.
12. YOU RESOLVE to put down your doggone cell phone when you drive and you PROMISE that you will actually use the signal blinker before you turn.
That’s enough for now.
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MAKE A NOTE: The annual Vietnam Veterans Chili Cook-off in Texarkana will be Friday, Feb. 16, at the Truman Arnold Center, Texarkana College, as usual. From 11-1. I’ve never participated in the judging but I ALWAYS go back for a second helping. Tickets are $8 and proceeds go to keeping a reliable van for transport to Veterans hospitals and clinics.
I used to go with the late Larry Yates, our town’s chief of police, who was with the Military Police in Vietnam. Non-veterans are invited to chow down, also.
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HE SAID: “When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old I know that it is.” Oscar Wilde, Irish poet and playwright
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SHE SAID: “People who think you could wave a magic wand and the legacy of the past will be over are blind.” Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Supreme Court Justice
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SWEET DREAMS, Baby