YES, I AM STILL HERE peeking out of the newspaper’s window on Main Street and I am truly worried about the state of Virginia where some parents of school kids and the State Board of Education are at odds over whether to use such dreadful words as ‘His’ and ‘Hers,’ and sexist stuff like that.
They are quibbling about whether to refer to Junior and Sissy as male or female or whatever the child wants.
I am a simple person, and I subscribe to the simple theory that a Power far mightier than the Virginia State Board of Education assigned our gender to us whilst we were in the womb.
The Virginia folks are extremely lucky because I am here to give simple advice based upon one of my columns of more than a year ago.
It starts here:
WE’RE ALL adults here so surely we can mention an adult topic: LGBT. As both of you know, the letters stand for Lesbian, Gay, Bi-Sexual and Transgender. I warned you this was adult.
Boiled down, in the case of the first three letters, it’s just a matter of taste. Which gender appeals to you. Don’t answer that — it was just a rhetorical question. Like President Clinton said, “Don’t ask, don’t tell.”
But the fourth letter??? I can’t fully sympathize with Transgender. As best I can understand, it’s someone in a male body who identifies as being female and wants to become a genuine female. Or vice versa.
If you are sincerely Transgender you’ve got to be willing to undergo costly, extreme medical and surgical treatments to achieve your goal. Not to mention suffering barbed remarks from smartypants newspaper columnists. Also not to mention who pays for this costly, extreme medical and surgical treatment.
I do not want to sound completely unsympathetic to persons who are helplessly gripped by Transgender questions.
I feel like I can help you to understand by revealing something deeply intimate and personal about myself:
I am Trans, hear me roar
I, myself, am a Trans-Species. I am trapped in the body of a human male, but I identify with the Siberian Gray Wolf.
I have already begun hormone and other medical treatments out at the Center Point Animal Hospital, and I am scheduled to begin my fur implant treatments soon. Please don’t ask the staff at Center Point about my progress. I may be going to the dogs, but I am still enough human to be covered by HIPPA.
I’ve had my teeth sharpened (except for the canines which were already pretty impressive). My dentist makes sure I have been recently fed or he refuses to put his gloved hands anywhere near my jaws.
Learning to run on all fours has made me more flexible. I am getting faster with every Trans-Species hormone treatment, and with every nocturnal run with the pack. I am not looking forward to dashing nekkid through the snow this winter but maybe I’ll grow some extra fur and change my mind before then.
I am learning to live on an all-meat diet. I now like my elk steaks really, really rare. Warm and still quivering.
I prefer to kill for my dinner, but I will eat something off the highway if there’s nothing else.
It’s hard to pass by a fire hydrant without lifting my left leg. Wolves are, after all, the ancestors of dogs. I hope to get better at balancing on the other three legs.
I am pretty sure that I am becoming a male Siberian Wolf because whenever I see a cute female — wolf or human — I start baying at the moon. Ah oooooooooooooooooo!
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MORE THINGS I LEARNED from opening an email: Why do we market hotdogs in pkgs. of 10 and hot dog buns in pkgs. of 8?
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DON’T STAND TOO CLOSE! At the Dierks Pine Tree Festival, on Saturday, July 31 at precisely 10 a.m. it will be time for the annual axe-throwing contest.
This is a competition best watched from a distance. Neither in front of, nor behind, the axe-thrower.
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ANIMAL CRACKERS. I was in error couple of weeks ago when I said I saw a small bird enter the bluebird house on my patio. I was in hopes it was an actual Bluebird.
Nope. Looks like a sparrow. But, every time I’ve seen it, it has had some kind of bug in its beak.
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MY REPEAT Question of the Week: Are women excluded from the Gay Men’s Chorus of San Francisco?
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WORD GAMES. Distant cousins: Few and Far Between. They’re not so closely related after all.
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HE SAID: Jesse wants it on his gravestone: “He never owned a cell phone.”Jesse Vintura professional wrestler, ex-governor of Minnesota
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SHE SAID: “Studying whether there’s life on Mars or studying how the universe began, there’s something magical about pushing back the frontiers of knowledge. That’s something that is almost part of being human, and I’m certain that will continue.” Sally Ride, astronaut
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SWEET DREAMS, Baby
