YES, I AM STILL HERE looking out my window on Main Street, and I wonder when the #1 Fair Weather Razorback Football Fan will come out of hiding.
Toward the end of the Tragic Burt Bulimia Experiment, #1 Fan burned that front yard Razorback flag his daughter had given him a few happy years earlier to celebrate beating Texas in the Texas Bowl. He got himself under control for awhile.
Then after Chad Morris had his second stupid loss to Cupcake U., the #1 Fan hid the Running Razorback banner that once proudly hung over his front door.
At some point near the end of the Tragic Chad Morris Experiment he rented a storage unit and packed away his magnetic door stick-ons. In case you can’t remember what they look like (it’s been awhile since they were seen in public) they include two red Running Razorbacks and two oval white “Go Hogs.”
The stick-ons and about a half dozen old Hog t-shirts, jackets, running shoes, books, old game programs and caps, along with other important Razorback treasures, were crammed into the storage unit. “I am so disgusted I don’t expect to ever see any of you again,” #1 fan muttered over his shoulder as he drove away.
Then the Hogs beat Mississississippi State.
But, #1 Fan had signed a longterm contract for the storage unit and now he is reluctant to reclaim the items. He’s reluctant because he is afraid he’ll feel foolish for wasting money on the longterm contract.
He is not the only one stunned by Arkansas’s upset victory in Stark Vegas. At a stoplight some kid on a bicycle rode up and asked him what kind of stupid red animal that was stuck on the doors of his buggy.
“Kid, if you’ll get out in front of my truck I promise I won’t run over you,” was #1 Fan’s tacky reply.
The #1 Fan says he knows this Razorback win was just a trick to get his hopes up. And by golly he won’t fall for it.
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THE WEIGHT OF WEALTH. For a couple of years I’ve had a ‘dime jar’ on the kitchen counter. When I get home from work, any dimes left in my pocket go into the jar.
Sometimes I even ask for my change to be given in dimes.
It’s just a quart jar but it has gotten so heavy that I’m going to need someone with a forklift when I get ready to take it to the bank and get it exchanged for greenery.
THIS IS RELATED so don’t quit reading just yet.
I recently read about the coins in our stash jars (how did they know about mine?). The record, apparently, is guy in Alabama who took $13,000 worth of pennies to a coin-counting machine. The article said that’s more than a million pennies. I don’t have a cacalater handy otherwise I’d double-check their figures.
Several years after she died, I found Jane’s half-gallon coin jar hidden in the very back of a closet. It was full of pennies. A friend rolled the coins for me in return for splitting the total. My share was $22.
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YOUR HEALTH. In this issue of your newspaper is an article about extended hours on Tuesdays at the local health unit.
The article lists some of the services offered, but I can add one more.
I recently stepped on a nail, and my primary care physician sent me to the health unit to get a tetanus shot. The doc’s nurse explained that they didn’t keep the tetanus stuff at the office because it was so expensive.
So, I went to the health unit. Got my free, painless tetanus shot. This was an example of tax dollars at work on my behalf — a little socialism isn’t all bad.
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IT’S NEWSPAPER WEEK. If newspapers ever go away, who will cover the large and mundane events of daily life. Just in the last month, we’ve been a reliable source for all kinds of news including scandals, elections, church events, anniversaries, crime, public meetings — the list goes on.
If newspapers ever go away, will you depend upon rumors passed along by social media?
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I PAY TAXES, TOO. Really? Our billionaire president paid less taxes than me last year? That don’t seem fair.
I personally like that presidential candidates over the last four decades — Republicans and Democrats alike — have released their tax returns so that the public can see for themselves to whom the candidates are indebted. During the last campaign the president promised he’d release his. But then he backtracked. More than that, he fought like a champion to keep his secret. Was he hiding anything? I hope not.
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WORD GAMES. Another set of siblings: Five and Dime. Tightfisted twins who were named for a pre-Walmart place to shop.
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HE SAID: “Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude.” Thomas Jefferson, US President #3.
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SHE SAID: “You are the sum total of everything you’ve ever seen, heard, eaten, smelled, been told, forgot — it’s all there. Everything influences each of us, and because of that I try to make sure that my experiences are positive.” Maya Angelou, poet and native of Stamps, Ark.
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SWEET DREAMS, Baby
