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From the Barnyard


Mike Graves

Mike Graves

Good morning, comrade. Enjoy your vodka while I badmouth your country here in “the land of the free.”
I’ll have black coffee, if you don’t mind. You see, I’m from the “Bible Belt,” and we hide our alcohol consumption until we get to beer – uh, I mean – Deer Camp. Or some big social event for “a good cause.” Thank goodness they don’t serve alcohol at the Choctaw casino!
Until y’all invaded the Czecs, we forgot about how y’all were our enemy and despised by men like General George Patton, Brad Brown and Swampy Graves. James Bond doesn’t even mention you anymore.
Well, you’re in the agriculture news this morning. Yes, you, dumbkopf. And don’t play dumb when this Arkie believes you’re dumb like a fox.
This year, y’all have become the number one destination for live cattle export from the USA. And all the while, you’ve banned our product. You’ll buy our cows and our ranches, but not our meat.
Your plan is to capture our cow herd genetics, establish your own herds and forsake any export opportunity we might have, costing me money.
You’re right, comrade,I am a greedy capitalist, determined to exploit the working class.
Now, if you’ll pardon me, a tree fell on a stretch of fence on the south end of my place and I better get busy if I’m going to fix it before my cows get out. Say, if you’re not too wasted on the hooch, maybe you can help.
On second thought, you just sit there and drink. You see, like General Patton, I refuse to drink with you or any other Russian S.O.B.

“You tell that Russian S.O.B. I won’t drink with him or any other Russian S.O.B. I’m going to Berlin and I’m going to personally shoot that paper hanging S.O.B. Hitler!”
-General George Patton
“Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!”
-President Ronald Reagan
“This lady may have stumbled, but she ain’t never fell, and if the Ruskies don’t believe that, they can all go straight to hell!”
-Charlie Daniels
“There is no God.”
-Joseph Stalin
“Almighty and merciful Father, we humbly beseech Thee, of thy great goodness, to restrain these immoderate rains. Grant us fair weather for battle. Graciously hearken to us as soldiers who call upon thee, that, armed with thy power we may advance to victory and crush the oppression and wickedness of the enemy and establish thy justice among men and nations. Amen.”
-The “weather prayer,” penned by General Patton, and not his chaplain, as portrayed in the movie “Patton.”
“From Russia, with love, I fly to you, much wiser since my goodbye to you. I’ve traveled the world to learn I must return from Russia with love.”
-James Bond Theme

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