YES, I AM STILL HERE peeking out my window on Main Street, and it hasn’t been all that many years since a guy who had some ‘juice’ in this town called the newspaper and suggested that we call a public meeting to discuss a serious problem.
He said that it was pretty obvious even to an idiot like myself that someone in our community was NOT LIVING RIGHT.
There is no other way to explain how cool breezes NEVER come our way anymore. Nor is there any sort of rational way to explain how under a burn ban ALL PASSING THUNDERSTORMS part around us like the Red Sea once they reach the county line. Going to places that do not need rain. Like the air directly over the City Lake or the parking lot at Walsmart.
Take the residents of Athens for instance. Just the other day they had a quarter inch of blessed rain AND a cool breeze. Someone is living right.
But everybody else — from Burg to North Saratoga — will show up for the meeting if they know what’s good for them.
There’s a good chance that at this public meeting ‘we’ are going to point some fingers and we expect to get some believable explanations and/or confessions, the juicier the better.
The Official Lacka Rainfall Investigation Committee will not hesitate to make up some juicy confessions if none arrive in the usual way.
This newspaper helpfully suggests that ‘we’ hold this meeting on Main Street in front of the old Regions Bank building. Our town’s armed and anxious Downtown J-Turn Enforcement Officer can direct traffic and hand out tickets.
He’ll be on the lookout for anyone on a side street that attempts to slink away. Bring your lawnchair, and no coolers, please. Fireworks are banned after the meeting since the burn ban hasn’t been lifted.
If we all pull together we can get to the bottom of who is at fault. If that happens we just might get a good shower within 24 hours. It could happen!
Well, that’s all the newspaper can do at this point — except to report that a guy from Hooks, Texas, was arrested here after he sneaked into a local citizen’s yard and filled a plastic milk jug with water from a faucet.
The only reason he got caught was the homeowner who was asleep inside was awakened by the crunch of the dead grass underfoot as the water thief attempted to get away into the night.
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AND SOMETHING ELSE I have learned:
The Universal Law of Probability. The probability of being watched is in direct proportion to the stupidity of your act. I always warned my daughter: “No matter where you are there’s always someone there who knows who you are.”
The Universal Law of Random Numbers. If you ‘dial’ a wrong number you never get a busy signal, and someone always answers. Especially if it’s a long-distance call. Remember long-distance calls?
The Universal Law of Mechanical Repair. After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to run, your telephone will ring, and you’ll have to pee. The call will be from a telemarketer.
The Universal Law of Gravity. Any tool, nut, bolt, nail or screw when dropped will roll to the least accessible corner of the room or under the refrigerator. Likewise a piece of toast when dropped will always land jelly side down.
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THE SHAME. For the second time someone who disagrees with me has torn down my Elect Hallie Shofner yard sign. At least they leave it nearby and I am able to put it back.
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HE SAID: “For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind.” Ralph Waldo Emerson, American poet and philosopher
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SHE SAID: “When I wake up, I expect things to be good. If they’re not, then I try to set about trying to make them as good as I can ’cause I know I’m gonna have to live that day anyway. So why not try to make the most of it if you can? Some days, they pan out a little better than others, but you still gotta always just try.” Dolly Parton, American singer, actress and philanthropist
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SWEET DREAMS, Baby
