YES, I AM STILL HERE peeking out my window on Main Street and I’ve been sitting at my desk wondering if I should tell you about another stupid thing I have done.
Something truly stupid and tasteless.
It all started three weeks ago when our newspaper ran the first of a two-part series on our town’s Mandy Ferguson who was hell-bent on running in a 100-mile race.
Mandy is one of those fitness nuts who get up many mornings and run 10 miles just for the pure-dee fun of it.
Last week we published the second of the series, and the article told our readers that Mandy did indeed run that race and survived.
So late last week I was driving down College street on my way to the newspaper office. On the way I passed by the Cassady Investments building, intersection at Second Street. Mandy keeps her botox office in the back of the building which once was a residence (a beloved teacher, Mrs. Marsh, lived there).
There were two young blondes who were walking to the front door. They were almost to the front porch steps when a huge solar flare took control of the common sense section of my brain.
I figgered that at least one of them was Mandy who was maybe coming back to her place of work after lecturing a class on how much fun it is to run and run and run.
I couldn’t resist the urge to be a smartypants so I stopped my buggy and rolled down the passenger side window and yelled at Mandy:
“You think you’re tough just because you can run 100 miles.”
The blondes turned around.
Neither one was Mandy.
I drove away in shame for having made a fool of myself. Once again. Oh, how I hate those solar flares!
Then it occurred to me that the blondes might call the cops on the old guy in the pickup truck who yelled something at them.
Oh my gosh, I sighed, my name will probably be in the court news in this very newspaper next week.
Maybe no one else saw it, and it’ll soon be forgotten.
Ha!
On Sunday afternoon I received the first video of the incident. It had been recorded clearly on Mrs. Marsh’s doorbell camera.
Should I try to find those two blondes and apologize?
Nah, they’d probably think I stalking them. How would you explain something like that anyway?
Then it occurred to me that my sincere application for the job of Official Downtown J-Turn Enforcement Officer might get slowed. I realize that ‘slowed’ is not a good descriptive word because if my application is going nowhere then how can it get ‘slowed?’
Not only that, but my request for a concealed automatic firearm permit might also get ‘slowed.’
Not only that, but my application for the administrator’s job at the hospital’s Senior Citizens Nose and Ear Hair Clinic might also get ‘slowed.’
Honestly, these frustrating delays are enough to make me drive to Cowlingville or to Footsie’s in Antoine.
I try to be a good, productive citizen but those solar flares keep getting in the way.
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ANIMAL CRACKERS. Remember a couple of years ago when we had an army of tiny thousand-leg caterpillers march-march-marching through our homes?
This week I found one. Probably attracted by the cicadas.
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HEARD FROM. A request made in this column last week has been answered anonymously.
I had written about the death of Bert Johnson, and mentioned that he had kicked a field goal that brought the underdog Scrappers to a victory in the football playoffs many moons ago. I couldn’t remember much else.
But my correspondent did.
Nashville played undefeated Parkin at their place on an arctic night in 1979.
Bert, who was an old-fashioned straight-ahead kicker, provided the winning margin with a successful kick with about three minutes left in the game. My correspondent also advised that Charles ‘Junior’ Wright scored the touchdown to bring the score to 7-6. We probably went for two and were denied on that PAT attempt. I’m guessing. My correspondent didn’t include the information and my memory is dry.
I’m also guessing that Bert may have been the Scrappers’ last straight-ahead old-fashioned kicker of field goals and points after touchdown.
Where is Parkin, anyway? Who cares?
Did I ever tell you about the time Eddie Cobb ‘dropkicked’ an extra point in a real game?
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THINGS I LEARNED from opening email: “Singing in the shower is fine until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”
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HE SAID: “I always tell my kids if you lay down, people will step over you. But if you keep scrambling, if you keep going, someone will always, always give you a hand. Always. But you gotta keep dancing, you gotta keep your feet moving.” Morgan Freeman, actor
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SHE SAID: “I have not been that wise. Health I have taken for granted. Love I have demanded, perhaps too much and too often. As for money, I have only realized its true worth when I didn’t have it.” Hedy Lamarr, actress and inventor
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SWEET DREAMS, Baby
