Home Opinion Mine Creek Revelations: No Lollygoggeling

Mine Creek Revelations: No Lollygoggeling


YES, I AM STILL HERE peeking out my window on Main Street, and I’d like to direct your attention to an article in this newspaper edition about slow drivers on the Interstate.

The article huffs and puffs about slow traffic in the left lane.

I am elated.

The article was a press release from the Arkansas Highway Department (they go by another name these days, but I keep forgetting).

The article apparently intends to nudge slow drivers and lollygogglers from the left, or ‘fast,’ lane. The article even says that some tickets have been handed out for this grievious offense. Hah! I’ll believe THAT when I see the names in the court news.

The left lane is for passing, the article says.

Among the things I hate most is getting behind some lollygoggler in the left lane who will not or cannot pass a slow vehicle that is in the right hand lane. By staying in the left lane and staying exactly even with the right hand vehicle for several miles, this lollygoggler is blocking the whole Interstate. And making other drivers mad if they actually need to get somewhere within a reasonable time.

Also among the things I hate most is seeing a long line of big trucks ahead of me, and watching in despair as one pulls into the left lane to try to pass another truck.

I have written about this before but it is good to repeat.

So many times the ‘passing’ truck is going 60.8 miles per hour and the truck it is trying to pass is going 60.7. For the next 30 minutes the two trucks are locked head-to-head. They are also blocking the whole Interstate.

The press release doesn’t say anything about either of the truckers getting a ticket.

I’d like to see the Legislature make it a crime for any truck to be in the left lane for any reason whatsoever.

The crime could be called ‘Lollygoggeling’ and it would be a felony with a miniumumumum of one-year in the ADC or a Regional Punishment Faciltity.

There would be misdemeanors, of course. Such as when a big rig drives more than a half-mile with a turn signal on, even after it has made the turn.

There are other offenses, of course, as I have mentioned.

!Que problema!

How does Arkansas enforce these much-needed laws?

There is a clear solution. Let me recommend having an Official Lollygoggeling Enforcement Officer, much like the greatly-needed Downtown J-Turn Enforcement vacancy in the City of Nashville.

You know the one I’m hinting about. I would be more emphatic with my recomendation but I’m afraid the Mayor and City Council would just have one more reason to further delay my appointment to this position.

AND should the Nashville city administration drag my appointment out much longer, I might listen to entreaties from the Arkansas Highway Department (they go by another name these days but I keep forgetting).

I already have in mind how to promote the Lollygaggeling law and its enforcement officer.

I recommend four-color full page newspaper ads with the officer (I’m envisioning a portly but distinguished-looking senior citizen in a tight-fitting camouflage uniform) pointing at the camera and addressing the imagined offender with these words: “I Want YOU to stop Lollygoggeling!”).

The officer might or might not have an automatic weapon in his hands, depending upon whether the Arkansas State Police are holding up his permit  because the mental exam results of the aforementioned job candidate have mysteriously disappeared.

In fact, Gov. Sanders might recommend that ‘we’ consolidate both enforcement positions.

That way even while I was on duty as the Official Arkansas Lollygoggeling Enforcement officer I could take a few shots at someone who was sitting too long after the stoplight changes to green.

All of this is completely justified in my mind.

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THINGS I LEARNED by opening an email: “If you find yourself feeling useless, remember: it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, thousands of lives and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.”

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WORD GAMES. Those identical twins: Part and Parcel. I suppose both words mean something that is a piece of something whole. I’m guessing.

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HE SAID: “But friendship is precious, not only in the shade, but in the sunshine of life, and thanks to a benevolent arrangement the greater part of life is sunshine.” Thomas Jefferson, 3rd President of the United States and primary author of the Declaration of Independence

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SHE SAID: “Seldom, very seldom, does complete truth belong to any human disclosure; seldom can it happen that something is not a little disguised, or a little mistaken.” Jane Austen, novelist

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