YES, I AM STILL HERE looking out my window on Main Street, and I am reviewing the notes for the very important speech I gave to my granddaughter as soon as this virus lets up.
I began writing about Miss Carsyn Elizabeth Murphy in this column when she was just a toddler.
Time flies, and now she is a sophomore in Fayetteville at the University of Arkansas where her mom, grandfather, grandmother and a multitude of aunts, uncles, and cousins have gainfully matriculated.
There are many things I really, really needed to warn her about — in addition to NOT hanging out with the likes of her uncles.
• Giant jigsaw puzzles.
I am ashamed to tell you how many times I cut a class because I just HAD to fiddle another hour or two with the pieces of the giant jigsaw puzzle that had taken over the dining table of my apartment. I was afraid if I didn’t work on it my roomies might finish it off. Well, it’s true! They would have.
Well, an hour here, an hour there and pretty soon you’ve got a D in Western Civilization.
Don’t get me wrong. I firmly believe that giant jigsaw puzzles are an important part of a good college education.
For one thing they can contribute bigly to your knowledge of geography. I’ve worked challenging puzzles of scenes from the Grand Canyon and Mt.Fuji and the Leaning Tower of Eiffel.
And science: A jigsaw puzzle of the liftoff of the Space Shuttle.
And social studies: A jigsaw puzzle of the French Quarter
What about human development? I once coveted a jigsaw puzzle of Victoria’s Secret models. Nowadays, however, Victoria don’t have any secrets. But my friend who had the Victoria Secret jigsaw puzzle wouldn’t part with it. “I stole it fair and square, man,” he explained.
Finance/economics. Well, there’s no known jigsaw puzzle that can help with those. You’ve got to borrow a monopoly game for that. Put up a place on Ventnor Avenue; rent it high. Pass Go; collect $200.
And another thing I need to warn Carsyn about:
• Playing cards
I could have retired for real five years ago if I had a dollar for every hand of ‘Hearts’ or ‘Texas Hold’em’ I played. Not to mention every dime I lost playing those games. I never learned to play Bridge otherwise I would’ve figgered out a way to lose dimes there, too. Life and college were just too short to waste on learning to play Bridge. Also, I tried and was short on the intelligence needed.
I need to cancel that heart-to-heart talk. It pains to say that she’s doing quite well without my assistance.
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I DO NOT feel sorry for Tucker Carlson who got canned from his high-dollar entertainment position by Fox news. I’ve got friends who believed in Tucker and Fox. That’s what made me less sympathetic for Tucker. He violated a cardinal rule of journalism as I was taught long ago at this newspaper and in the halls of the journalism department at the UofA. That rule is: Work diligently to learn the truth and then tell the truth as you learned it. Leave the opinion to the editorial page. Tucker and Fox told one story even though they knew it was false. They got caught by their own emails and testimony.
The lingering problem is that some of my very conservative friends will still believe Trump was cheated out of the election even though Tucker is gone and Fox had to fork over $878,500,000.
America was hurt by his dishonestly.
Don Lemon, a guy at a different network was apparently canned because he said some female Presidential candidate was past her prime. Well, if he thought she was past her prime, he ought to say the same thing about the current President who might just be past his prime. Treat each one the same.
Stop masquerading as news. And a pox upon political correctness.
We believe what we want to.
I wish the tv networks would clearly separate news from entertainment programs. I get my news from the Associated Press and I don’t watch programs with hosts who bring in panels of experts.
Not to mention that I don’t have enough time to watch those panels because of my duties as #1 Fair Weather Razorback Fan and as Nashville’s uncertified Downtown J-Turn Enforcement Officer.
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RE-ENFORCED. Our desperate need for a Senior Citizens Nose and Ear Hair Clinic out at Howard Memorial Hospital cannot be mentioned strongly or often enough. During pollen season ugly yellow clouds can be seen blowing in and out of senior citizen noses. In and out.
In and out. Achoo! And other noises.
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THINGS I LEARNED by opening another email: If you see someone buying candy, popcorn and a soda at the movies, they must be a drug dealer. There’s no other explanation for that type of income.
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WORD GAMES. Siblings Nooks and Crannies. Look closely and you might find something.
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HE SAID: “Courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at the testing point.” C. S. Lewis, writer and theologian
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SHE SAID: “The human heart has hidden treasures, In secret kept, in silence sealed; The thoughts, the hopes, the dreams, the pleasures, Whose charms were broken if revealed.” Charlotte Bronte, English novelist and poet
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SWEET DREAMS, Baby