YES, I AM STILL HERE peeking out of the newspaper’s window on Main Street and I am full of advice which I give without any expectation of financial or honorary compensation from the board of directors of Howard Memorial Hospital. I have tried several times before and my efforts were unsuccessful.
The advice is to seriously think about establishing a nose and ear hair clinic.
Our hospital has got all kinds of clinics — and I am proud of all of ‘em — but, for instance, I really do not need a gynecology clinic. HMH has got urology, pediatric, dermatology, sleep, heart and other clinics, including one for geriatric behavioral health which I won’t try to explain right now.
What I need the most is a good, reliable nose and ear hair clinic within driving distance of home.
It is one of the true mysteries of life why men’s noggin hair falls out at about the same time ear and nose hairs sprout so copiously.
Some people, myself included, have a hard time breathing because of the silver nose bristles that clog the nostrils. And I don’t need a set of those new miracle hearing aids, I just need an open passageway in my ears.
This hair thing apparently has something to do with testosterone, but I won’t bother trying to explain it to you right now.
I just know that the clinician at the geriatric behavioral health clinic said — with some disgust — “You’ve got enough nose hair to weave a Navajo Indian blanket.”
How a great idea arrived!
This facial hair story reminds me of my Navy boot camp company commander (a tough little 1st Class Petty Officer who was one scary dude).
On the night before our first official personal inspection, he warned us to shave closely. “I don’t want to see no peach fuzz,” he growled. Man, he was really scary.
But one smart guy from Erie, Pa., decided that he really didn’t need to shave. “All I got is a little peach fuzz. Ya can’t even hardly see it,” he told us fellow ‘boots’ after the company commander had left the barracks.
Next morning we lined up at attention for inspection. Our company commander (if I could remember his name I’d unfriend him on Facebook) slowly walked down the line closely examining (1) fingernails; (2) how clean the necklines of our t-shirt were; (3) and the presence of facial hair.
He stopped in front of that know-it-all from Pennsylvania.
“I thought I told you no peach fuzz,” he said with glare that would have stunned a small animal.
The company commander whipped out his trusty Zippo lighter; flicked it alive; and passed the flame over the boot’s chinny-chin-chin. If you were standing close you could smell the burnt hairs.
The rest of our bootcamp company took to heart the lesson from that unofficial US Navy teaching opportunity.
We never forgot it.
and you’ll see why.
Later that same day the company commander growled that we needed to “wash your privates real good” because next day a male navy nurse was going to give us all an intimate inspection.
As he said this, he casually flipped the top of that Zippo open and closed. Open and closed.
Open and closed. Click and clack.
Another teaching opportunity was avoided.
I think that our hospital’s brain trust needs to experience a visit from my boot camp company commander.
Click and clack.
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ANIMAL CRACKERS. As usual there was food left over from our traditional Christmas feast of steak, twice-baked potato, rolls and broccoli casserole (I’m drooling again as I write this). Daughter and granddaughter had to leave for Little Rock earlier than expected, so I rummaged around on my patio for an expendable cooler so they could take home at least one meal of leftovers.
And I found an old foam cooler which once had been used to transport medicine. It was now sitting on my patio and being used to hold birdseed. The styrofoam had obviously been chewed almost open. Probably by one of the neighborhood raccoons. After a good cleaning and protected by a plastic Walmart shopping sack, it was again re-purposed as a food-carrier.
Oh, the ingenuity of mankind!
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THINGS I LEARNED by opening the email: A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
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WORD GAMES. Here are some more words that we often hear used together in some context: Far and Wide. As in: “He was known far and wide as a thief and wife-beater.”
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HE SAID: “Those who gave thee a body, furnished it with weakness; but He who gave thee Soul, armed thee with resolution. Employ it, and thou art wise; be wise and thou art happy.” Akhenaton, Egyptian pharaoh reigning c. 1353–1336
Wonder if he could get me the autograph of my favorite Egyptian, Zawi Hawass?
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SHE SAID: “Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right.” Oprah Winfrey, entertainer
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SWEET DREAMS, Baby