YES, I AM STILL HERE looking out my window on Main Street, and I am wondering if I can get President-elect Biden to list me with his other choices for important positions in his administration.
See, my strategy would be to hide among the more famous personalities and thus slip through angry Senate confirmation hearings and FINALLY become confirmed as Nashville’s Certified Downtown J-Turn Enforcement Officer.
Because he’s clearly a liberal, I figger that former-Sen. John Kerry will draw the heated attention of most of the Senate. While the senators cuss and re-cuss Kerry, maybe they won’t notice me — armed and in my official camo uniform — crouching behind the back row.
I must resort to this because I have not been able to meet with our mayor. He doesn’t take my calls to inquire about being deputized to fill this vital position. I don’t think he’s dodging me out of spite. He’s focused on the city budget and getting bridges fixed and finding out if our Public Works Department director actually hurt his foot by kicking city employees in the backside to make them work harder.
The Arkansas State Police haven’t exactly been of help, either. I suspect that it is someone in the ASP headquarters who is the holdup on my request for a handgun permit. They won’t take my calls, either.
Although being armed is not actually a requirement, I think it would get the driving public’s attention if I could direct traffic whilst waving a Glock or pointing with an AR-15.
Some jealous competition?
We’ve waited around so long that the absolute worst thing has happened. Another citizen has come up with a proposal that would negate the need for a Certified Downtown J-Turn Enforcement Officer.
Thomas Boozer (what a name for the Chairman of the City Temperance Committee!) has suggested that if we lined horsetroughs down the middle of Main Street from the Post Office to the Railroad Tracks there would be no need for an enforcement officer because there would be no more J-Turns except for the guys driving the Monster Trucks.
I concede that a line of horse watering troughs would prevent motorists from illegally turning across the center line to park in a spot on the opposite side of road.
But Mr. Boozer obviously hasn’t given enough clear thought to his proposal. Also, is he hoping to beat me out of this position?
• Would the city have to officially designate an Official Horsetrough Watering Officer?
• Would it be a city position or farmed out to private enterprise?
• Who would clean up after the horses?
• Would the Official Horsetrough Watering Officer get to wear a swell camo uniform and be armed?
This is the sort of information which clearthinking citizens would want to know, I’m fairly sure.
I am willing to take any kind of oath required by the Democrats and Republicans, Conservatives and Liberals (except for John Kerry or SEC football officials).
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ANIMAL CRACKERS. Years ago I subscribed to a swell magazine, “Birds and Blooms.” After the subscription expired they continued to send me a free copy. The magazine was probably hoping to ride to fame on the coattails of a certain Downtown J-Turn Enforcement Officer.
After the magazine stopped coming in the mail, they somehow got my email address.
Now I get swell emails from them monthly. I really liked the magazine and I really like their emails which reveal the content of the entire current magazine issue which they believe I am desperately missing.
An article in this month’s email was about the most common bird species in North America.
Redwing Blackbirds are #1, of course. But I never before had even heard of the Yellow Rumped Warbler, #2 on the list.
Other familiar species included the Robin, Mourning Dove, Starling, Mallard, Sparrow, Red-Eyed Vireo and the Something Something Thrash.
All I can say is that the editors of ‘Birds and Blooms’ haven’t been to my backyard which is ruled by Bluejays and Cardinals. And isn’t the Yellow Rumped Warbler really a singing Chinese exotic dancer?
Why did I have to get so old before I could appreciate birds?
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WHAT IS THAT SMELL? In the chill of the early morning there is something that lingers on the air. It doesn’t really smell like some Autumn-blooming plant. It’s more like air that has slid down the mountainside and washed through the piney woods. Very nice.
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THINGS I LEARNED from opening (and believing) anonymous emails. “Is Alphabet Soup any help to illiterate people?”
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WORD GAMES. The siblings: Briggs & Stratton. They’re reliable.
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HE SAID: “Consult not your fears but your hopes and your dreams. Think not about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential. Concern yourself not with what you tried and failed in, but with what it is still possible for you to do.” Pope John XXIII
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SHE SAID: “I’m a career prosecutor. I have been trained, and my experience over decades, is to make decisions after a review of the evidence and the facts. And not to jump up with grand gestures before I’ve done that. Some might interpret that as being cautious. I would tell you that’s just responsible.” Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris
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SWEET DREAMS, Baby