JUST BECAUSE I say my advice is freely given doesn’t mean that the lucky targets of the advice are free to ignore it.
I’m talking to YOU, gentlemen and ladies of the Howard Memorial Hospital board.
Both of my regular readers will recall a fairly recent column in which I FREELY ADVISED the hospital board of the community’s dire need of a Nose and Ear Hair Clinic at Howard Memorial.
They could build another swell building on the campus. They could put up one of those real nice metal buildings that don’t cost so much. Or they could make the cardiac rehab clinic give up some space for this important new medical agency. Honestly, how much room does the cardiac rehab clinic really need?
Or they could put a satellite clinic somewhere in town — there are a number of buildings which would serve the purpose quite well. Just this week the Mexican market moved out of the old pool hall and I’ll bet that space is available. So are J-Turns. But I digress.
Or, like those popular food trucks, the hospital could have a mobile office that could set up anywhere. Not at the water department drive-thru at city hall, however. And not in the pickup line at Starz, please.
The point is: This community needs a quality medical clinic to address the problems of — ta da — nose and ear hair of elderly gentlemen.
I have many offensive nose hairs, but there is one that is especially looooooong and offensive. It is (surprise) silver.
When I exhale through my nose, the hair unfurls like a yoyo and it goes out about six inches from the tip of my nose. I have not named this hair, yet, but that is another possibility.
When I inhale it rushes back to the nostril, curling along the way and accelerating its mass so that when it slams through the nostril opening it raises sparks from the septum wall. One time the sticky curling hair snagged a passing mosquito which was killed by the impact inside the nose. I’m thinking it was an A-nostril-ese Mosquito. Ha. Ha.
I am dreading the day that I sneeze through my nose. The recoil could actually knock me unconscious.
Worse, what if the sparks caught some crispy old hairs afire inside the nostril cavern? After all, there are also some dried-out mosquitoes in there and they could really burn baby burn.
I have a swell battery-powered ear hair trimmer that came from a Chinese Cracker Jacks box. Batteries not provided.
This trimmer unfortunately doesn’t actually CUT the offending hair. It, unfortunately, takes that ear hair and wraps it around the clipper blade. If I don’t take my finger off the ON button quick enough the clipper starts spinning. It twists out of my hand and begins to roll all the way to the base of the hair.
The hair base is inside my ear, naturally, meaning that the clipper (spinning at the speed of light) whams sideways into the ear lobe, often rendering me more-or-less out-of-sorts for awhile. (I just did that double hypen thingy to show off for any English teacher who is not ashamed to admit he/she reads this column.)
These are just some of the horrible and embarassing things that can happen when a person is afflicted by Hyper Nose and Ear Hair Quadrosis. (That is a medical term I just made up in order to impress any anatomy teacher who will admit to reading this column.)
I modestly suggest that this column be made an official part of the minutes of the next meeting of the hospital board. That way, future generations will know the names of the folks who let the community down by napping while this wonderful opportunity slipped away.
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ANIMAL CRACKERS. The talk this spring has been (1) flocks of goldfinches where none gathered before; and (2) the plethora of orioles which have appeared for the first time. Neighbor Linda Campbell sez that at one time there were no less than 10 orioles hanging upside down from the plethora of hummingbird feeders on her deck. (I just used ‘plethora’ two times in one paragraph as a way of showing off for any English teacher who will admit to reading this column.) The orioles, Linda sez, appear to have fled. The whole plethora of them.
Either/Or
EITHER no one was as amazed as I was, OR no one admits that they were seen reading this column last week when I wrote about spotting an albino blackbird in the midst of a flock of non-albino blackbirds. No one commented on this spectacle of nature.
Well, I had one guy who made a comment, but he only wanted to talk about an albino possum he thought he once saw in the parking lot of a dance club on the Oklahoma Line. The possum wasn’t only an albino, it was dancing. I’d write more about this event but that’s another story and I’m sure you wouldn’t be interested.
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THINGS I LEARNED from opening email: Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
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WORD GAMES. The twins: Fine and Dandy. No complaints ever heard.
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HE SAID: “America is a Nation with a mission – and that mission comes from our most basic beliefs. We have no desire to dominate, no ambitions of empire. Our aim is a democratic peace — a peace founded upon the dignity and rights of every man and woman.” George W. Bush, 41st President of the United States
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SHE SAID: “Bias has to be taught. If you hear your parents downgrading women or people of different backgrounds, why, you are going to do that.” Barbara Bush, First Lady
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SWEET DREAMS, Baby
