Home Opinion Mine Creek Revelations by Louie Graves: Sum poo poo

Mine Creek Revelations by Louie Graves: Sum poo poo

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I HAVE NEVER  kept a New Year’s resolution, and, quite frankly, I haven’t bothered to make one since 1994. That doesn’t keep me from knowing that I SHOULD make New Years resolutions.

We all need something to strive for. A carrot dangled on a string.

I had a brilliant idea, and it is the next best thing to actually making — and sincerely intending to keep — New Years resolutions.

Here’s the plan: I will make the New Years resolutions for YOU to keep, thereby relieving myself of any responsibility..

These sensible resolutions are offered to you at no charge by the management of this newspaper.

Please make every effort to keep these resolutions for your benefit and mine.

YOU RESOLVE to read instructions on all new mechanical or electrical devices which come into your possession.

YOU RESOLVE to keep the instructions in case you need to read them a second time.

YOU RESOLVE to limit your venting about the Arkansas Razorbacks.

YOU RESOLVE to change our ‘lucky’ lottery numbers.

YOU RESOLVE to gain as little weight as possible.

YOU RESOLVE to limit your venting about the Arkansas Razorbacks.

YOU RESOLVE to pressure the mayor to properly install some worthy senior citizen as Official Downtown J-Turn Law Enforcement Officer.

YOU RESOLVE to write down all passwords and to remember where you hide the list.

YOU RESOLVE to limit your venting about the Arkansas Razorbacks.

YOU RESOLVE to cut down on screaming at youth league officials at the city park.

YOU RESOLVE to give a birthday gift other than a Hooter’s Gift Certificate to the paperboy.

YOU RESOLVE to remove your wristwatch before scooping the goo out of the pumpkin next Halloween.

YOU RESOLVE to limit your venting about the Arkansas Razorbacks.

YOU RESOLVE to actually use the signal blinker before you turn.

YOU RESOLVE to ignore incoming calls when you are in a restaurant, church or theatre. And, if you must take a call because it’s from the Pope or Donald Trump, you resolve to go outside to conduct your conversation.

YOU RESOLVE to quit comparing the Arkansas Razorbacks football team to the Keystone Cops.

YOU RESOLVE to quit threatening to go whip (former Hog coach) John L. Smith’s #### and instead, start threatening to go whip (soon to be former Hog coach) Bert Bulimia’s ####.

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COLLEGE FIGHT SONGS. It occurred to me just a few days ago that we all already know the words to the Florida State ‘war chant’ fight song. There are no words, just bellow the familiar tune as loud and obnoxiously as you can.

This fight song is unique in that it comes complete with ‘signing’ for the hearing-and-or-musically impaired. Just do the tomahawk chop. In sign language it means ‘tomahawk chop.’ (For those of  you who have recently come over to this newspaper from the ‘News,’ this is what we like to call ‘humor.’)

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BY THE NUMBERS. Nashville Public Works Director Larry Dunaway told Rotarians, last Wednesday, that the city water department had treated and distributed more than 1.1 billion gallons of water in 2016. The busiest single day saw 4.5 million gallons treated and piped out to Nashville and Rural Water homes and businesses.

On the other end of town, the wastewater treatment plant treated 688 million gallons of Longhorn in 2016.

Dunaway was pleased with the city’s performance. To do all this without being cited for any violations is a sign of the good job city employees do, he said.

What I’m really really worried about is the ‘island’ that gradually emerged when the level of the big sewer lagoon was drawn down.

What if the Chinese claim the island and build an airstrip on it? It would be just our luck that the Chinese would do just that, and would name the island Sum Poo Poo.

That way, Chinese pilots could radio: “Give me instructions for landing in Sum Poo Poo.”

Or, to their passengers: “Pretty soon you’re going to find yourself in Sum Poo Poo.”

I’m not sure of its location, but I’ve heard that the Chinese already have an island called Deep Poo Poo. I must have amnesia because I can’t remember ever going there but I’ve been reliably told many times that I’m in Deep Poo Poo. I’ve got plenty more of these, but I’m sure you wouldn’t be interested.

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HE SAID: “Those who gave thee a body, furnished it with weakness; but He who gave thee Soul, armed thee with resolution. Employ it, and thou art wise; be wise and thou art happy.” — Akhenaton, Egyptian Pharoah of the 18th Dynasty

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SHE SAID: “My New Year’s Resolution List usually starts with the desire to lose between ten and three thousand pounds.” — Nia Vardalos, screenwriter and actress

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SWEET DREAMS, Baby

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