STAND BY FOR a special announcement from the Number One Fair Weather Fan of the Arkansas Razorbacks:
“Please disregard all the nice things I said about the football team last week after they beat Ole Miss.”
Nothing can deliver a large dose of humility like getting absolutely whacked on national television. The fall back to earth is always extremely painful. Like jumping out of a 747 without benefit of parachute.
And here’s the worst part: For one whole week, ESPN and the SEC Network will replay that game at least once a day. All of the geniuseseses who make a comfortable living sitting at a round table and discussing football games will have to tell us over and over and over again what our eyes have already seen waaaay too much of — We got absolutely whacked. From the first play to the final horn. I mean, even the Auburn subs were whacking us pretty good when the horn mercifully sounded.
I mean, how did Gus keep from laughing in Bret’s face when they shook hands after the game?
The only good thing is that I did not develop my usual anxious tummy waiting for the coach’s 1-hour show Sunday in which he explained how we got absolutely whacked. He may or may not have told lies about what we are going to do about it.
In fact, possibly the bravest man on earth Saturday afternoon was the Razorback coach when he actually showed up for his post-game press conference and answered some timid questions.
The assistant coaches are all paid four or five times what the governor makes. I propose that their pay be determined by the record the team ends with. In this case, they owe us money.
They should have cancelled the team’s flight back to Fayetteville and made them ride all the way home in an old Greyhound bus. Complimentary bologna and light bread sandwiches instead of steak.
Paint over the white hogs on the sides of the helmets and don’t play the ‘alma mater’ at the next home game.
I know, I know. It’s only a game. And the sun really did come up Sunday morning.
And when it come up, I hope the team was still in north Mississippi standing around on the side of the road while the Greyhound driver changed a flat tire.
POISONOUS SNAKEBITES are on the increase among — surprise — young males who attempt to handle the varmits.
In fact, the average age of a boy bitten by a poisonous snake is 10.3 years. Most common is a bite from a copperhead.
But get this: Once upon a time there were zero reports of bites from more exotic snakes.
Things have changed. Between 2000 and 2013, one percent of reported bites were from snakes not native to the continental U.S.
This isn’t really hard to figure out. More and more stupid people are keeping exotic, snakes. And those are the people who are getting bitten.
What I am nervous about is when Junior gets tired of catching rats to feed to his pet mamba and lets the varmit free somewhere in the boondocks.
NOTICED SOME colored stickers beside someone’s front door, recently. It reminded me of when people used to say that hobos had a way of ‘marking’ a house as a good place to ask for a meal.
My mother remembers, as a girl, hobos passing through her town. A hungry hobo could always get something to eat, she said, but he had to eat on the back steps of the house. Mother says that her own mom wouldn’t let her or her sisters out of the house until the vagrant was gone.
I’ve also heard that hobos would sometimes offer to do yard work or chores in return for a meal. I’ve also heard that one way they knew of good places to ask for a plate would be at a house where there lots of bicycles or toys in the yard. Someway — they apparently thought — a house with a lot of kids might a lot of food on hand and might also be more sympathetic.
THE TWINS. Just had a slow-paced but error-free visit with the tentative typists, Hunt and Peck.
THINGS I LEARNED FROM opening email: Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
I KNOW I mentioned this before, but out of 113 million-plus Americans, are Hillary and Donald the best candidates the political parties can come up with?
HE SAID: “I’ll drink water. Sometimes tomato juice, which I like. Sometimes orange juice, which I like. I’ll drink different things. But the Coke or Pepsi boosts you up a little.” Donald Trump, presidential candidate
SHE SAID: “Good grief, we’re getting offended by everything these days! People can’t say anything without offending somebody.” Hillary Clinton, presidential candidate
SWEET DREAMS, Baby