YES, I AM STILL HERE peeking out of the newspaper’s window on Main Street and I am begging you to wash your hands next time you handle a Sonoran Desert Toad.
I know that many of you will never actually handle or pet a Sonoran Desert Toad, but, still, if you should accidentally do so then please ‘lave sus manos’ in warm soapy water.
The National Park Service goes farther than that. They strongly recommend that you try to refrain from actually licking the back of a Sonoran Desert Toad. Wha?
See, the aforementioned Sonoran Desert Toad is rumored to have some tasty secretions on its back that the Park Service is warning us about. The secretions, if somehow smoked, gives the smoker a really big gigantic and humongous hallucination, the likes of which us normal human beings never encounter.
Worse, the Park Service guys are worried that some Californians — the Sonoran Desert Toad is found, naturally, only in the Sonoran Desert which is in California — will go beyond smoking and will try to lick the secretions off the toad’s back and thus have an even more vivid and violent hallucinogenic reaction.
Because, even worse, licking the back of a Sonoran Desert Toad will kill you, and the Park Service guys are afraid that even strong warnings might not deter stylish Californians who might be determined to have that really big gigantic and humongous hallucinogenic experience they’ve heard so much about.
In fact, the Park Service guys add, just handling a Sonoran Desert Toad might leave enough secretions on your hands that you might accidentally rub some on your next corndog. And that would kill you.
“Killed by a poisoned corndog,” the newspaper headline would say.
Lucky for us all, the Park Service guys did not divulge how to gather the secretions and prepare them in a manner that would permit smoking.
I hope I get some kind of award from the National Park Service for helping them get this important information out to the public.
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VETERANS DAY. On Friday we honor those who are serving or have served our country in military uniform. I am proud to be among that bunch.
Earlier in the year — on Memorial Day — we honored those who died in military service to our country during wars.
I am not a member of the Vietnam Veterans of America chapter in Texarkana, but I get their newsletter.
Here is something from the most recent newslettter:
=There are still 1,582 Americans missing or unaccounted for from the Vietnam War.
=There are still 126 Americans unaccounted for from the ‘Cold War.’
=There are still 7,525 Americans unaccounted for from the Korean War.
=There are still 72,271 Americans unaccounted for from World War 11.
=There are 6 unaccounted for from wars in the Middle East.
For some reason the newsletter did not mention Americans still unaccounted for from World War 1, although another source says that 4,400 Americans are still missing from that war. In that war the U.S. lost more servicemen to the Spanish Flu than to enemy fire or poison gas.
You’ve got to figure that the number from the Cold War, Korea, Vietnam and Middle East conflicts includes some who just ran away or defected to the other side.
And the rest are dead and in the ground some way.
I thank my fellow soldiers, sailors and airmen who served in peacetime and in times of danger.
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AND PLEASE DON’T burn leaves. Just rake ‘em in a pile at the side of the road and call City Hall.
Those of us with asthma will thank you.
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WORD GAMES. Here are more words that go together in some context: Tarred & Feathered. What a lousy way to leave town!
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MY ADVICE. Since I have given up on the Razorback football team for the fifth time in the last seven years, I now turn my attention to being of assistance to the men’s and women’s Razorback basketball teams which are being hyped so high that they can’t help but be a disappointment.
Here is a tip for Coach Muss and Coach Something Something:
Since we fell back one hour because of Daylight Saving Time, a full second has been removed from the shot clock, and the players need to be aware that they have less time to lollygag around before they get off an unrecommended desperation shot.
I hope I get some kind of award from the University of Arkansas Sports Department for sharing this game-changing information with the teams.
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THINGS I LEARNED by opening the email: There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.
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HE SAID: “Beautiful music is the art of the prophets that can calm the agitations of the soul; it is one of the most magnificent and delightful presents God has given us.” Martin Luther, theologian
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SHE SAID: “My definition of a friend is somebody who adores you even though they know the things you’re most ashamed of.” Jodie Foster, actress
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SWEET DREAMS, Baby
